Marital Rape

                              Rape is Rape.     Marital Rape is Rape.     Intimate Rape is Rape

                                        Stranger Rape is Rape.     Force-only Rape is still Rape!          

                                 The main differences between stranger rape and marital Rape

                                                                           Different types of rape

                                                            The problem of defining Marital Rape as Rape

                                                       Further information and resources on Marital Rape

                                 Rape is rape regardless of the relationship between the rapist and

                                 the victim. It can be a total stranger; someone you recognize by

                                  sight, but have never really communicated with; someone you      

                                  know superficially, a neighbor or a colleague; a friend, a boy-

                                  friend or a former boyfriend; a live-in partner, or a former 

                                   partner; someone you are married to or have been married to in

                                    the past.

                                    Rape is a very personal and intimate traumatic experience.

                                    Our experiences of and reactions to rape may differ widely, and

                                    although there are many similarities in the way that we feel 

                                    about being the victim of rape, regardless of the relationship 

                                    between and the rapist, there are differences between stranger 

                                   and intimate rape, and in this section I am trying to describe                                           and offer an understanding of some of the specific problems 

                                   regarding marital rape (or rape by an intimate) as opposed to 

                                   stranger rape.

                                  Please note that in this page I refer to wives and husbands,

                                  however, it can be understood to refer to all rapes perpetrated 

                                  by an intimate.

                                  Also, I am only looking at rape and sexual assault on women, 

                                 since this is by far the most common situation, though rape and 

                                 sexual abuse also occur too frequently in same sex-relationships.                    

                         The main differences between stranger rape and marital rape:

                                  Stranger rape is usually a one-off, someone you don't know, 

                                  with whom you don't share any experiences or history.

                                   When the assault happens, there can be no doubt as to what is

                                   happening: that it is Rape (though even in such situations the

                                   victim will often wonder what she has done to precipitate the

                                   assault and will blame herself).

                                   In marital rape the circumstances are very different. 

                                   It is - quite apart from a physical and sexual violation - a

                                   betrayal of trust. Here is a person whom you thought you knew

                                   intimately, with whom you share a history, a home and quite 

                                   often children. Here is a person whom you have made love to on

                                   a frequent basis often over many years, with whom you have 

                                  shared your most intimate secrets and fears, and whom you 

                                  believe to love you, want the best for you, who would never 

                                 intentionally hurt you.

                                 Marital rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental

                                  basis of the marital relationship, because it questions every

                                 understanding you have not only of your partner and the 

                                 marriage, but of yourself. You end up feeling betrayed, 

                                 humiliated and, above all, very confused.

                           "When it is the person you have entrusted your life to who rapes                                    you it, isn’t just physical or sexual assault, it is a betrayal of the 

                            very core of your marriage, of your person, of your trust." (anon)

                                 Also, while stranger rape is a sexual act of violence outside (as 

                                 in: apart from) the victims normal relationships, marital rape 

                                 has to be understood in the context of an abusive relationship, 

                                 that is, in context of emotional and possibly physical abuse.

                                One of the differences between stranger and intimate rape is that

                                 stranger rape will nearly always involve a certain degree of 

                                 physical violence (one notable exception to this is rape involving 

                                 the date rape drug) while a lot of cases of marital rape will 

                                 involve coercion and only enough force to control the victim, 

                                 known as 'force-only' rapes (see below).

                                 Another problem victims of marital rape face is that such 

                                instances are rarely a one-off, but a repeated if not frequent 

                                occurrence.

                                 This can be a huge issue to the victim, because she will feel as

                                 though she has somehow 'asked for it' by staying or putting 

                                 herself in the situation where it can happen again. Also, once it                                       has been tolerated on a number of occasions, she may question

                                 her right to then act upon it.

                             Different types of rape 

                              Marital rape - is generally sub-divided into three categories:

                               those rapes which involve a degree of violence, those that use

                               enough  force to control the victim, known as 'force-only' rapes,

                               and sadistic rapes.

• Violent rape occurs, as the name suggests, when the abuser uses  enough physical violence to cause injury to the victim, apart from any injuries due to the rape itself, i.e. injuries to the genital area or breasts. Examples would include the husband punching his wife or injuring her with a knife - the rape being part of a violent assault, or the violence being a part of the rape. Many abusers will also force their wives to submit to sexual acts after a physical assault, either to prove her forgiveness or to further intimidate and humiliate her - and if the wife should refuse such an act, even the threat of further violence (or a previous experience!) will soon ensure her compliance.

• 'Force-only' rape is usually understood to include only enough force used on the part of the abuser to control or hold his wife in position, eg holding down the victim by her arms or wrists to prevent her defending herself or escaping. This form of rape is common where there is a larger contrast between the physical size and strength of abuser and victim, or in abusive relationships where physical violence is infrequent or non-existent (insofar as one does not categories sexual assault itself as a violent act). In most cases of 'force-only' rape, coercion plays a large part. The victim may also be so confused and numbed by constant emotional abuse, that she simply does not know how to act or react when sex is forced on her.

• Sadistic rape is sometimes also present. This tends to indicate that in addition to the rape itself, the victim is either forced to comply with or undergo deeds designed to further humiliate her. Examples of this would be the abuser/rapist urinating on the victim, acting out a fantasy of torturer, or using other object during a rape. Sadistic rape may or may not involve further violence. Some people consider buggery as a sadistic form of rape, since its effect on victim is often particularly humiliating.

                                It is difficult defining clear-cut lines between the different types of

                                rape, since rape can involve any of the above or a combination of

                                them. For instance, the rapist may use coercion tactics and 

                               enough force to control the victim initially, but then use increased 

                               violence if the victim struggles. Many victims of marital rape feel 

                               guilty for not having struggled more, or have been told that if they 

                               did not try to physically fight their abuser and thereby sustained 

                               injuries, that it is not 'real rape'. This can be extremely distressing 

                               and add to the trauma already experienced. What has to be 

                               remembered is that when you are living with your abuser, you are 

                               often very finely tuned to him, employing numerous  coping                                             mechanisms to limit the damage to yourself:                                                                             you may realize either consciously or subconsciously that if you                                      struggle, he is likely to get violent or take his anger out on you in                                    other ways.

   "I tried to push him off me, so he grabbed both my arms and flung them above my head, held them there and continued ... He held my arms by the wrists with one of his hands and held them so tight and with so much of his weight on them, that they really hurt and then started losing any sensation. When he finally let go I did not make the same mistake again ..." (anon)

                                Other reasons a woman may not fight back are so as not to disturb

                                children sleeping nearby, thereby risking them witnessing the 

                                rape; shock or confusion at what is happening which paralyses 

                                her; and real concern for her abuser, which results in her not 

                                wanting to do anything which may harm or injure her rapist even 

                                to the determent of herself.

                               Research seems to indicate that in the context of an abusive

                               relationship, the woman is most likely to be subjected to rape

                               towards the end of the relationship, or after she has left, though

                               several women have reported that their boyfriends raped them at

                               the very beginning of their relationship - which is reminiscent of                                   the ancient custom of capturing and raping women to be able to

                               claim them as wives. It would appear that where rape starts in an

                               established relationship, that rape is often used by an abuser when

                               other control tactics, such as isolation or emotional abuse are no

                               longer sufficient to maintain his power and hold over her, or to

                               punish her for either leaving or trying to leave. Only too often, this

                               works.

                            The problem of defining marital rape as Rape

                              Many women who are victims of marital rape have great difficulty 

                              in defining it as such. The traditional idea that it is impossible for a

                               man to rape his wife and that somehow, in taking our marriage 

                               vow we have abdicated any say over our own body and sexuality,

                               basically denied ourselves the right to say 'no', is still prevalent

                               amongst wives as much as amongst their husbands. A wife being

                               raped will often question her right to refuse intercourse with her

                               husband, and while she may realize that legally it now constitutes

                                rape, there are many reasons which may prevent her from

                                perceiving it in such a light.

                                We prefer to see it possibly as a communication problem (did I

                                 make it clear enough that I did not want intercourse tonight), 

                                 may see it as an act for which the man is not fully responsible due                                   his nature (men have a biological need to have sex and if there is

                                 a woman next to them in bed when they are in the mood they                                         just cannot help it), we may see it as a misunderstanding

                                (although I told him I didn't want to, maybe I gave him the                                              wrong signals somehow), we may have religious issues which                                        question our right to refuse intercourse (I have got to submit                                          myself to him and  accept his will above mine as my Lord and                                        Master).

                                Basically, as wives being raped by our husbands, we look for every

                                reason, every excuse to deny it is Rape because we do not want to

                                accept the alternative: it is Rape, he is hurting and humiliating us

                                with intent, we can no longer trust him, turn to him in comfort,    

                                gain reassurance and protection from his company and our home                                  is no longer safe.