Verbal Abuse

    When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to visualize the abuser hurling insulting names at the

     victim, and while this obviously does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling. 

      The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (e.g. you have the mind of a idiot;

      you are so stupid; etc), anything to belittle you, he may withhold conversation and refuse to

      discuss issues with you, or he may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need

      sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (i.e. who do you think

      you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.

      Verbal Abuse can include:

                .  yelling or shouting at you

             . making threats

             . insulting you or your family

             . being sarcastic or mocking about or criticising your interests, opinions or beliefs

             . humiliating you either in private or in company

             . sneering, swearing, name-calling

             . withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation

             . refusing to discuss issues which are important to you

             . laughing or making fun of you inappropriately

             . leaving nasty messages

             . accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing

               something to annoy

             . blaming you for his failures or other forms of abuse

      All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well

      as a lack of respect for  individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. 

      A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the

      right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.

      Verbal Abuse (More Information)

Some forms of verbal abuse, such as name calling or sneering, are obvious, but many more forms are covert, such as withholding or discounting, and therefore much less easily recognizable.

Some of the following questions may help you to work out whether you are being verbally abused in less obvious ways, or whether you are being verbally abusive towards your partner

Does your partner speak to you differently in private and in public?

Do you often leave a discussion with your partner feeling completely confused

Does your partner deny being angry or upset when he/she very obviously is

Does your partner act as though you were attacking them when you try to explain your feelings?

Does your partner discount your opinions or experiences?

You feel as though no matter how hard you try, you just don't seem to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner as he/she always seems to misunderstand you, and/or it always seems to cause an argument no matter how you try to approach the subject?

Do you feel nervous or avoid discussing issues which disturb you with your partner because you 'know' that trying to discuss them will just leave you feeling even more upset?

Do you feel as though your self-esteem and your self-confidence have decreased?

Do you find yourself spending a lot of time working out either how not to upset your partner or wondering what you did or said which did upset your partner?

The above are just some indicators that verbal abuse may be an issue in your relationship. Some facts which generally apply to verbal abuse:

Verbal abuse tends to be secretive, i.e. happens in private.

Verbal abuse tends to increase over time, as both abuser and victim adapt to it.

Verbal abuse discounts your perception of reality and denies itself.

Verbal abuse is usually part of a pattern which is difficult to recognize and leaves us with a feeling of confusion and upset without really understanding why.

Verbal abuse uses words (or silence) to gain and maintain control.

From time to time, we are all likely to say something which is nasty and abusive to our partner or our children. Usually when we realize that what we have said is hurtful, we feel sorry for the hurt we have caused and apologize. Verbal abusers are not likely to apologize, not because they do not realize that they have been hurtful, but because that is their aim.

I lived in fear constantly. He rarely hit anyone; he didn't have to. The threats, coupled with the verbal and emotional abuse, were more than enough to keep us all under his control. (from Carla's Story)