Overcoming Effects Of Abuse
In the fantastic book, It Wasn’t Your Fault, Beverly Engel, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, makes perfectly clear that if you have suffered childhood abuse or neglect then you likely struggle with shame.
Victims of abuse will blame themselves for their abuse because perpetrators of abuse are typically a parent or a caregiver, making the option of blaming them almost impossible. If the person who cares for you and occasionally protects you is also dangerous and unpredictable, then the world is inherently dangerous and unpredictable.
In cases of extreme abuse, the child can no longer maintain the illusion that they are to blame, leading them to a state of apathy and learned helplessness. “It doesn’t matter what I do, he will hit me either way.” However, most abusive relationships are not so black and
white.
Many abusive relationships are, at times, happy and loving but there is an underlying anxiety that physical violence, emotional abuse or neglect, or sexual abuse could reoccur. This can lead to a period immediately afterward of renewed affection from the abuser to their victim, which allows the victim to rationalize their perpetrator’s behavior. With physical abuse, “If only I hadn’t made him angry, then he wouldn’t have had to hit me.” Or with sexual abuse, “If only I hadn’t enticed him; it’s my fault.” This forces the child to bear the guilt, creating a defense mechanism that shields the perpetrator from blame. This often will create patterns of cognition that lead the victim to believe that they are fundamentally flawed, broken, or dirty. The shame that abuse victims experience can move beyond negative thought patterns and into behaviors. Many victims of abuse, unable to direct their anger at their abuser as it would lead to more abuse and unable to hold it inside, will seek out a surrogate, usually someone smaller and weaker, that they can shame or bully. This ultimately leads to the initial victim experiencing even further shame for what they have done to others, further solidifying their belief that they are bad to the core.
Other victims will simply attempt to numb themselves from the shame that they feel by abusing drugs and alcohol, often at an early age. This strategy is minimally effective because one cannot be consistently intoxicated. When sobriety emerges, the victim will also feel further shame, labeling themselves as a “drug addict,” “lazy,” or a “low-life.” This increases the shame that they only know how to confront with further drug abuse.
By the time victims of childhood abuse become adults they may have created a variety of defense mechanisms in an attempt to shield themselves from shame, which sometimes work in the short-term but often times increase shame long-term. As mentioned previously, patterns of abusing drugs and alcohol will typically continue into adulthood.
When facing adversity, many victims of childhood abuse will find themselves regressing to childlike behavior that would lead many to scratch their heads in confusion. The big test is tomorrow but instead of studying the abuse victim will lay numbly on the couch all day watching television. The job interview is this afternoon and the abuse victim will get drunk at a bar at lunchtime. These behaviors would be what we call self-sabotaging behaviors and confronted with these actions the self-saboteur will be just as perplexed as anyone else: “Why would I do that?”
Ultimately, what seems to underlie these behaviors is the fact that many victims of childhood abuse will struggle to accept or feel worthy of anything good that comes to them. “If only they knew this about me then they would all hate me, too.”
Most people, at one time or another, will experience what is called impostor syndrome: “They are going to know that I’m fake, or that I don’t know what I’m doing.” But victims of childhood abuse are particularly prone to very strong impostor syndrome, particularly when given responsibility or when faced with the possibility of failure. This seems to be coupled with the fact that victims of childhood abuse will struggle to have a core sense of “Self,” or a core identity as to who they are, what they enjoy, or what they are capable of.
It has been shown that victims of childhood abuse can be cognitively impaired based on school performance from elementary school through college. Many victims of childhood abuse complain of being unable to focus their attention, a requirement in academic performance and in most careers.
This is an example of the self-fulfilling prophecy the comes with the experience of shame. Just as the individual suffering from depression can trap themselves in a vicious cycle that furthers their depressed mood, the shamed individual feels worthless and sabotages themselves to further prove to themselves and others how worthless they are.
The cyclical nature of behavior can be confusing. As the apostle Paul says, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15).
Our recent understanding of the neuroplasticity of the brain fully illuminates this bizarre aspect of human behavior. Neuroplasticity is a fancy way of saying that the brain is not static but constantly changing, growing, and atrophying in a plethora of ways.
In the words of Norman Doidge in his magnificent book, The Brain That Changes Itself, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This firing of neurons strengthens the pathway, making it more likely to fire again in the future. This is what a habit is, and this is why it can be so difficult to break a habit.
To apply this point to our discussion: it has been shown that victims of childhood abuse have an overactive or even enlarged amygdala. The amygdala is one of the oldest parts of the human brain and it is most associated with some of our most primal instincts, including threat detection, and the commonly known “fight, flight, or freeze” reflex.
Because the amygdala is hyperactive in victims of childhood abuse, they are more likely to perceive a situation as threatening (even if it isn’t) or feel that they are chronically afraid or stressed for no apparent reason.
Victims of childhood abuse have been shown to have increased levels of cortisol in their system, the hormone associated with stress and fear. This is the biological component as to why victims of childhood abuse are more easily stressed and overwhelmed then the average population.
Abuse victims have also been shown to have decreased levels of oxytocin in their system, the hormone associated with developing trust and emotional bonds in relationships. This is the biological component as to why abuse victims will often struggle to develop and maintain significant relationships or friendships, which (of course) ultimately feeds their belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with them or that they are unlovable.
Hopefully, by now it is becoming more and more clear as to why the predicament of shame is so binding. This leads us to the most unpleasant aspect of this entire discussion. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 2013 report, nearly all perpetrators of abuse and neglect were abused and neglected as children.
A very important point here is that though nearly all abusers were abused, the majority of victims of abuse do not become abusive themselves. According to that same 2013 report, 70% of victims of childhood abuse will not go on to abuse their own children. However, 30% will.
Why? Because just as the school bully is likely attempting to momentarily soothe their own shame by taking power in a world where they are typically powerless, perpetrators of child abuse are attempting to soothe their overwhelming shame, which is a by-product of the abuse they endured as a child.
Even individuals who swear that they would never reenact what was done to them as children will be perplexed by their behavior in times of intense stress or feelings of overwhelming powerlessness.
So the perpetrator of childhood abuse feels intense feelings of shame that they received from their own abuse as a child, and they attempt to soothe their shame by abusing their partner or child, which ultimately leads to them feeling even more shame, creating a destructive cycle for them as individuals.
Their child has also now endured abuse, and, as we have discussed, the child will most likely blame themselves, creating strong feelings of shame that they will carry with them until they become adults, increasing their likelihood of abusing their own children. This is what we call “The Cycle of Abuse” and many families can seem trapped in this cycle from generation to generation.
So does this make perpetrators innocent victims themselves or guilty abusers? It seems to me that it depends. It can be a useful way to understand behavior; it can be a useful way to understand your own behavior if you bullied as a child or now have perpetrated abuse as an adult, but it does not alleviate guilt.
Just because you can understand why your perpetrator did what they did, it does not make what they did okay. Be particularly wary of this, because remember: victims of childhood abuse have already excused their perpetrator’s behavior in a variety of ways, often times turning the blame onto themselves.
This illuminates something else very important about the psychology of victims of childhood abuse: most would blame themselves mercilessly if they were to continue the cycle of abuse to their own children, while at the same time being extremely quick to excuse the abuse of their perpetrator in the same circumstances.
Abusing or neglecting a child is wrong, and it is always wrong. No “explanation” of the behavior can or should change that. Most victims of childhood abuse first and foremost need to feel anger and rage towards their perpetrator for the indignity that was done to them as a way to begin to turn the blame away from themselves.
A helpful way to begin this process is to find what Alice Miller called a compassionate witness who can listen to the victim tell the story of their abuse and then, instead of blaming them, tell them that what was done to them was wrong and cruel.
The role of the compassionate witness is to help the victim re-frame how they think about their experience and to stop justifying their perpetrator’s behavior. The victim will often say things like, “My dad beat me up pretty good when I was a kid, but I was a bad little kid, and I deserved it,” to which the compassionate witness can respond, “But you were only a child. What can a child do that would make it okay for an adult to beat them up?”
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, ESV
Follow this rabbit hole down and you will always find that the abuse never had anything to do with the behavior of the victim and everything to do with the internal state of the perpetrator at the time of the abuse.
A behavior on one day that elicits no response from the perpetrator can throw them into a wild rage the next day. A boss yelled at them and made them feel small or bad financial news can make them like a ticking time bomb, leaving the child feeling that they can never know what to expect from day to day.
Once you have firmly secured the blame for your abuse onto your perpetrator, fully felt the indignity and injustice of the actions, then you can begin to move to the next step: forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not mean that you should expect your perpetrator to ever seek your forgiveness, or that you definitely should seek them out and tell that you forgive them, though some will find this healing. Giving forgiveness is for you, so that you can soothe the anger and move closer to healing.
If you want to heal the shame that binds you, first of all, remember: it wasn’t your fault. Find friends you trust who can be a compassionate witness to your story, read books like The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller, It Wasn’t Your Fault by Beverly Engel, or Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.
But these are supplementary to finding a therapist that you like and trust who can help guide you through the process of healing. A therapist can be a compassionate witness, and they can help you reframe destructive thought patterns.
If you are worried that you will continue the cycle of abuse or if you have continued it, a therapist can help you develop strategies to help you deal with your experience of shame. Your shame will not disappear overnight. The road to healing is long and will need frequent reminders, but life on the other side makes it worth it.
“Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame.” – Isaiah 50:7
“My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the rock and strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26, Amplified Bible
Susan Goer
MORE CHRISTIAN ARTICLES ON ABUSE: What Does the Bible Say About Emotional Abuse?
“I knew that God love me, but I couldn’t figure out why those I sought help from didn’t treat me as He did. They told me God had called me to suffer, and it was my job to suffer well. It was confusing because the character of God isn’t that of a cruel, heartless punisher.”
“One hard question I really struggle with is how do I really believe God loves me? I grew up in an abusive home and ended up with an emotionally abusive marriage. I feel like I was set up to fail, like I never even had a chance. I have such a hard time reconciling God’s love with putting so many of us women in these situations pretty much from day one. We are primed to be abused. It doesn’t feel like love to me.”
~Quotes from Emotional Abuse Survivors
What Does the Bible Say About Emotional Abuse?
Many Christians believe God condones some kinds of abuse. Everyone seems to have their own standards for what constitutes abuse, and they also have their own ideas about how the various types of abuse fit into their personal theology. And every single one firmly believes his particular opinion about abuse is the absolute truth, and anyone who disagrees, especially an abuse survivor, is wrong and deserves to be shunned.
Of course, most of them haven’t even studied the subject. They just buy into the propaganda fed to them by teachers who believe in a historically pagan, power-over structure of human relationships. It’s fascinating and tragic. An abuse victim’s pastor and Christian friends not only minimize what she is going through (as if they know), but they also callously lecture her about how God wants her to glorify Him through her suffering.
What kind of a god requires the suffering of women and children in order to be glorified? Moloch, maybe. Baal, maybe. But not Jehovah God. He is not a sadistic, pagan god, and I believe what will glorify Him most is to expose misogynistic lies and teach the truth about abuse.
Contrary to the propaganda you’ve been taught, God doesn’t set women up to be abused as children and then adults. God doesn’t perpetrate abuse on human beings. Human beings do that all on their own.
God doesn’t control people. He let Adam and Eve choose, and He has let every human ever since choose. People sin, and they do horrible things to other people. We see the effects of this on a global scale. God promises to love us, to be with us, to assist us in our efforts to overcome the effects of sin here on earth, and to one day set us free for all eternity.
Every effort we make to tell the truth, pray the truth, live the truth, and put our hope and trust in our Creator, advances His Kingdom a little bit further on this earth. When we take a stand against abuse, whether it is abuse in our own life or in the lives of others, we are working on His behalf and for His glory.
Here’s what God really thinks of abuse:
1. God hates abuse.
“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.” (Proverbs 6:16-19)
Interestingly enough, Christians love to say “God hates divorce,” and they will forbid an abuse victim from getting legal protection from her abuser and even excommunicate her if she doesn’t obey them. But they won’t do a thing about abuse even though God clearly hates it just as much. Here’s an idea: as long as we are getting radical about the things God hates, why not get radical about dealing with abuse? If God hates abuse, why are they not supporting the victim in helping her acquire legal protection and excommunicating her abuser?
2. God says an abuser is a fraud, and his religion is worthless. These are wolves in sheep’s clothing, and they are dangerous.
“If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.” (James 1:26)
“I have been on frequent journeys, in dangers from rivers, dangers from robbers, dangers from my countrymen, dangers from the Gentiles, dangers in the city, dangers in the wilderness, dangers on the sea, dangers among false brethren.” (2 Corinthians 11:26)
“But it was because of the false brethren secretly brought in, who had sneaked in to spy out our liberty which we have in Christ Jesus, in order to bring us into bondage.” (Galatians 2:4)
3. God says abusers are an abomination.
“He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, Both of them alike are an abomination to the LORD.” Proverbs 17:15
Abusive men and churches justify the wicked and condemn the righteous when they support abusers and condemn victims. This is an abomination to God.
4. God says verbal abuse harms people and carries the power of death.
“…the companion of fools will suffer harm.” (Proverbs 13:20)
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21)
“Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I am only joking!’” (Proverbs 26:18)
Religious people will say it’s no big deal. God says it’s a matter of life and death.
5. God says emotional abuse is a heavy burden to bear up under.
“A stone is heavy, and sand is weighty, but a fool’s provocation is heavier than both.” (Proverbs 27:3)
“A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?” (Proverbs 18:14)
You may get no compassion or understanding from religious people, but your Creator and Savior sees and validates the horror of it.
6. God has hard words for abusers who damage their children in different ways.
“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6)
How many emotionally abusive fathers create a chaotic, confusing, hypocritical environment for their children to grow up in, causing those children to want nothing to do with their father’s God. This is perhaps the most devastating result of covert abuse. Especially when it is endorsed by the church. God will not be mocked.
7. God says verbal abuse (emotional abuse) is the equivalent of being gutted with a knife.
“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18)
“My companion stretched out his hand against his friends; he violated his covenant. His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.” (Psalm 55:20-21)
Many emotional abuse victims are told that emotional abuse isn’t real abuse. People who haven’t experienced emotional abuse will ignorantly claim that real abuse is being beaten, and you have to beaten a lot for it to be serious enough to justify legal protection through divorce. Even then, they encourage the victim to forgive and suffer. But emotional abuse? No biggie to them. And it’s certainly not something to even consider leaving your husband over.
But you need to know that God doesn’t see it that way. He knows what emotional abuse does to your body, mind, and spirit, and He sees the seriousness of what you’re going through. I don’t believe God views this as “no big deal.”
Unlike those who refuse to believe you or understand what it is like to live in an abusive environment every day, Jesus understands perfectly and takes what is happening to you seriously. Here’s just a taste of the kind of emotional abuse Jesus endured on our behalf, and I hope this helps you realize how much compassion Jesus has for you:
1. Pious Jews and Pharisees accused Jesus of working for the devil.
“The Jews answered him, ‘Are we not right in saying that you are a Samaritan and have a demon?’” (John 8:48)
“But some of them said, ‘He casts out demons by Beelzebul, the prince of demons,’” (Luke 11:15)
2. They mocked Jesus when He told the Pharisees they couldn’t serve two masters.
“The Pharisees, who were lovers of money…ridiculed him.” (Luke 16:14)
3. They tried to provoke Jesus and trip Him up.
“As he went away from there, the scribes and the Pharisees began to press him hard and to provoke him to speak about many things, lying in wait for him, to catch him in something he might say.” (Luke 11:53-54)
4. They denied their abuse and shifted the blame.
Jesus said “Has not Moses given you the law? Yet none of you keeps the law. Why do you seek to kill me?” The crowd answered, ‘You have a demon! Who is seeking to kill you?’” (John 7:19-20)
Valerie Jacobsen writes:
“Our lives here on earth depend on a mysterious union between our fallen souls and our fallen bodies. The old Gnostics did not see us as fallen, body and soul. They believed that we have souls, which are glorious and cannot be harmed, and bodies that are damaged, unworthy, and easily broken. Many teachers still reproduce those ideas when they teach that only physical abuse is real abuse, that only physical abuse should be escaped.
But God’s heart is always for us, whenever we are being harmed, whether spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, or physically. He sees us and knows that it is impossible for us to gauge the severity and the effects of abuse but looking over the surface of our bodies, by looking for bruises to count, or by using x-rays to check for broken bones. He sees that our souls ache from pain. He sees that emotional abuse and psychological torture do measurable harm to our brains and endocrine systems. He knows that PTSD is more painful and harder to treat than some bruises or a broken nose. He sees true suffering wherever it is, and when He sees it in us, He views it with compassion.
Whatever his weapons, an abuser attacks the image of God and wars against the creator. An abuser cannot image what God sees—that we were never created chiefly to please them, to bear children and keep houses for them, or to work for their provision. God has declared that our central purpose is to be His, to be faithful to Him, and to worship Him. When an abuser attacks the believing child of the living God, he seeks to divide us from our Savior, to cause us (as Job’s wife said) to curse God, give up hope, and die. In this, an abuser is ignoring that we are beloved by God, that we have been redeemed at great cost, and he openly wars against God, shaking his fist in God’s face, demanding to have us, use us, consume us, and destroy us.
As an abuser attacks, insults, and controls, God sees and knows that he is stealing our liberty and our peace. God sees that his sacred commitment to love, to honor, and protect us are being violated. God sees as the abuser willfully defies God as Lawgiver, seeking to become a Law unto himself.
And God sees us, His precious ones, when we suffer. God sees our abuse as it is, when our lives have become battlegrounds with real suffering and the risk of real casualties. He stands with us, and He walks with us while persecution takes its secret, underhanded forms in the most hidden places of our homes. Make no mistake. God sees His friends who love Him and trust in Him, repenting of our sins. And He also sees our abusers (especially our religious abusers) as His enemies, as enemies of the truth, and as enemies of the Gospel. He sees the heart of malevolence that craves an innocent victim and intends to cause injury.
He knows that evil gives very little advance warning, but He taught us to identify the one who is deceitful, destructive, malicious, and malevolent, and He taught us to protect ourselves and others from harm and danger. It is He who is calling us to see our condition, even when our hearts are aching with desire that what is true might not be true. It is He who is opening our eyes and calling us to reflect His image by speaking and living in the truth. It is He who gives us the courage to say, “Thy will be done” in the unexpected and unwanted, when we must flee from indignity and cruelty, when we must undertake an honest and biblical mission where we can find our liberty and safe place to stand firm before Him.
As the ones who will live with the consequences for ourselves and our children, we are the ones who are given wisdom and strength and called to action. Our pain and distress in abuse also causes us to work with God as He cleanses families, churches, and communities from evil and creates places of real peace and safety for us. It is He who has taught us that no wolf in sheep’s clothing must ever be tolerated or enabled, that each must be removed from any place where he is determined to cause harm. And it is He who taught us to report criminal wolves to the police, without hesitation or pity, and to speak the whole truth about them to investigators and in court. (Leviticus 5:1)
As victims of abuse, it is easy to become entangled in a hopeless quest of trying to fix an abuser, help him, and cure him–but we could as easily raise the dead! There is only one Savior. We cannot save ourselves by our own good works, and we will never be wise or righteous enough to save our abusers. We must submit to God who is Almighty—who is more than able both to protect us from evil and to do whatever He pleases with evildoers. We must come to Him as our good father who always has another chapter for our stories and who gives us the courage and strength to close and bar the door against evil.
While it’s true that abuse is an opportunity to love an enemy, biblical love does not collude with an evildoer or keep him comfortable while he is on a quest to harm us, to harm others, or to destroy his own soul. Biblical love for an enemy provides what enemies require most, including accountability and justice. Biblical love avoids vengeance, seeks justice, and trusts God with every outcome, whether we are taking flight or appealing to courts for justice.
As we stand firm against evil, we can pray that God will enable us to grow in grace, to see our weaknesses and errors, and to learn what it means to love others well and truly. With abuse, it is often many years that we spend trying to support the dysfunction, hoping that we can make it better or at least make it tolerable. Our awakening is often very gradual as God teaches us to see clearly and weans us from our initial expectation, that we made our wedding vows as the beginning of healthy love and biblical marriage. In our awakening, we can continually remind ourselves that God is faithful to teach us that what we see is real, what we hear is being said, what we remember really happened, and that what we know is true.”